Our Love Story - The Circle

I drove him home and parked in his driveway. I turned off my engine and lowered down the music to talk. I look over to him and he grabs my hand and looks down and his eyes begin to water and tear.

I remind him of how this will either end: we be together or we stop seeing each other. As I do he cries. I wipe away his tears with one hand and grab hold of his hand with the other.

We step outside of the car and take a walk, stopping just in front of his house I look down the street where it began and where it might just end. I thought as I looked down the illuminated street, “I’ve driven up and down this street so many times. I rode a bike for the first time on this street with him. I’m going to miss this street.” 

As he walks up to me he takes the umbrella in his hand and draws a sliver in the dirt road. “This is how I feel right now, this sliver is who I am.” He extends the outline of the sliver making it part of a complete circle. He points the end of his umbrella at the bigger portion of the circle he drew in and says, “This circle is my life and that part is you.” I look down at the shape he drew in the dirt and admire what he has done. “You take up a whole part of my life so that’s why I can’t lose you.” He begins to cry and I look up to him and back down at the ground.

I walk across the circle and stop at the other side and face him, he follows me to the other side. I turn toward him and draw a line between us. “There is a line between us right now and it stands for what we want. I want a relationship with you and you don’t. You’re not ready for one but I am. Unless we’re both on the same side of this line, I don’t think I can continue seeing you.” His tears continue to fall down his face.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“Well unless you think you can be in a relationship then you might just have to.”

“I want to be with you then.”

He surprises me with his response. I almost don’t believe him. Just 24 hours ago he made me feel sad and sick hearing him say that he doesn’t think he could be in a relationship again and that he doesn’t think he’s capable of having one. 

“Really?”

“Yes. Of course.”

I again don’t believe him.

“I get it cause I’ve had like 5 drinks in me already.”

I immediately think “yeah,” how can I believe him when he’s inebriated but I give him the benefit of the doubt and remind him of what he said 24 hours ago.

“I’m willing to put aside my insecurities for you. I just don’t want to lose you.”

It shocked me. Throwing me off from what I expected him to do when I originally saw him that day. I never thought he’d do something like this for me or for anyone in that manner. The night before he convinced me that there wasn’t an “us” to think about, that he needed to do some soul searching and come to terms with himself before he could accept someone into his life the way I wanted him to.

I doubted myself for a while before accepting the reality of it all. 

“Do you really want to be with me?”

“Yes yes. Of course.”

“Will you be loyal to me?”

“Yes, I can be as loyal as you want me to be.”

“Will you be honest with me?”

“As long as you’ll be honest with me too.”

“Will you be there for me?”

“If you’ll be there for me too.”

And with that I thought…

“Forever and always. I love you.”

As the song plays in the background, I look outside my window and open it up. The sounds of the night enter into my room as I strike a match and light up my room with the flame.

As the second verse plays through the speakers I get up and push out the screen protector of the window and place it aside my bed.

By the last verse I stick my head out the window and straddle the window sill with half my body outside and the other in.

Source: Spotify

Another Night.

I can’t sleep. With a drunken mind speaking sober thoughts, my thoughts are caught in an unforgiving loop. My mind is punishing me with scenarios  with things that can be happening, will be happening, aren’t happening, will never happen but I won’t know, I will never know. I was told once that I can’t control what happens in life—and I’m aware the world I live in isn’t molded in my favor—but I can only control how I approach it. 

I can’t sleep. I think my mind is poising myself with what I’m afraid of the most in my current situation. The possibilities of it are endless but it keeps on playing in my head. 

It hurts to think this way.

It hurts.

On mornings when I wake up for work, I look up at my alarm clock and think “Why?” I push it aside and get up. 

Later that morning when I’m in my car, I look out the window where the mist surrounds the lakes and fields that pass by me and think, “I don’t want to be here right now.” But I continue on my way.

When break time comes around, I find solace at this park table that is across from the building and underneath this tree that keeps me underneath shade while I light up my cigarette and look out into the distance and think, “This is the only thing I look forward to in my workday.”

In the afternoons while everyone is still out on lunch, I close my doors and lock them. Shutting off the lights and laying my head on my desk, I take a deep breathe and think, “I’m almost done. Today is almost over.”

When five o’clock hits, I rush out of the office into my car and drive away. Once I hit the usual rush hour traffic, I get frustrated and think, “Why the hell do I do this to myself.”

The scanner I use at work is starts to display error messages whenever I use it so I go to my boss and tell her so I can get replacement parts. Her response, call tech support. Bitch, I AM tech support. 

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